By Matthew Jackson
I’m a fan of Dwayne “you’ll always be ‘The Rock’ to me” Johnson, and I’m really not ashamed to admit it. The guy is entertaining, expressive, and downright ballsy. He’s willing to ham it up on screen for the sake of a few laughs, and even when the material isn’t all that great, he still manages to be a charmer.
But if the pun I inflicted upon you in the headline makes you cringe, it’s nothing compared to the 90 minutes of relentlessly detached crassness of “Tooth Fairy,” Johnson’s latest Disney vehicle. He’s still the same actor, and he’s still got the same courage in front of the camera, but this time it’s lost in a sea of predictable slapstick and yawn-worthy dialogue.
Derek Thompson (Johnson) is a minor league hockey player whose bone-crunching hits and penchant for knocking out his fellow players’ pearly whites have earned him the nickname “Tooth Fairy.” Once a major league star, he’s settled into a cushy existence (spent largely in the penalty box) without pressure or any desire to aim higher.
He’s also kind of a jerk, a washed-up guy who advises his young fans with NHL dreams to lower their expectations, and very nearly tells his girlfriend’s (Ashley Judd) six-year-old daughter that there’s no such thing as the tooth fairy.
You know where this is going. One night Derek magically sprouts wings, a tutu and pink slippers and is whisked away to Tooth Fairy Land, where he is told by a fairy administrator (the great Julie Andrews) that because of his dream-crushing behavior, he must now serve two weeks as a tooth fairy.
He then finds himself facing the ins and outs of the tooth-collecting biz, accompanied by his case worker, Tracey (Stephen Merchant) and a fairy gadget-man (Billy Crystal). The problem (as if there wasn’t one already) is that tooth fairy duty can call at any moment, including in the middle of dates and hockey games, and hijinks ensue as Derek must juggle his new winged existence with his real life, and learn the true meaning of believing in dreams along the way.
Yes, it’s almost exactly the same plot as “The Santa Clause,” and yes, “The Santa Clause” runs circles around this flick.
For starters, there’s almost no inventiveness here. Fairy tale retellings only work if you think outside of the ages-old box, and yet the flock of screenwriters assigned to this tale (there were six ... that we know of) didn’t bother with straying away from any of the tried and true definitions of “tooth fairy.” They have cute wings and wands, and they fly into your window, take your tooth, and leave money in its place. Apart from the addition of a few less than ingenious gadgets – including toothpaste that makes you shrink and a device to get rid of cats that turns out to be an air horn – that’s it.
Nothing visually stimulating at hand either. Director Michael Lembeck, who made both “Santa Clause” sequels, manages to get in the obligatory crane shot when Derek first arrived in Fairy Land, but apart from that, it seems like he’s just going through the motions, creating something that’s palatable, but far from spectacular.
The cast seems to be the only part of the film that doesn’t really suffer. Johnson keeps his chin up through the whole thing, and even manages to look heroic a time or two. Andrews is elegant and gorgeous as always, proving she’s way out of this flick’s league. Crystal, for the five minutes you see him, is wonderful, and Merchant is the funniest thing in the film, throwing out quick-witted one liners (“Fairy Krishnas.” Get it?) with ease.
There’s probably a built-in appeal that will make this flick at least somewhat watchable for the youngsters out there, but for the rest of us, most of the film is pretty comparable to an extended root canal. If Johnson can lift himself up and out of his Disney rut, he’ll be a full-fledge movie star someday. Until then, he’s just that guy who put on a tutu.
Matt’s Call: It might work for the kids, but for the rest of us it’s as dull as a dentist’s office. And I mean no disrespect to dentists when I say that. At least when I leave there I have a better smile.
